House Speaker John Beohner's loose tearducts are beginning to irritate some people.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — They vowed to turn American cheers into tears, and it looks like Al Qaida is succeeding, say sources, who claim to have uncovered a bizarre terrorist plot designed to turn U.S. officials into crybabies. Oddly enough, it appears U.S. Speaker of the House John “Boo-Hoo” Boehner is their prime target.
Speaker Boehner allegedly broke down twice as he spoke during a recent commencement exercise in the nation’s capital, according to major news organizations. If true, this is the latest in a series of crying jags besetting the prominent U.S. official, stemming from victory speech wails to a breakdown on the TV show “60 Minutes.” Other weeping incidents have also occurred in his recent past, according to press reports.
But there may be cause for all this: The unnamed sources claim a mystery parcel — filled with onions — was found “in close proximity” to Boehner’s podium. Other evidence has also been found, they add.
But “terrorist plots” may not be the culprits. A psychic claims Boehner’s propensity for crying stems from an alleged rejection by girl playmates back when he was a boy.
In a recent alleged incident, several key congressmen supposedly chastised Boehner , comparing their pit bulls, German Shepherds and Dobermans to an alleged poodle in the Speaker’s possession, and at one point Boehner began to cry. Feeling sorry for their colleague, the offending representatives backed Boehner for Speaker of the House.
This satirist has not found any evidence of any poodle in Boehner’s possession, and attempts to reach key people went unanswered. Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was said to be “snickering too much” to comment.
“Speaker (John) Boehner is part of the line of succession to the U.S. Presidency,” warns an outsider. “Whatever is ailing him, be it Al Qaida plots, onions, hemorrhoids or defacto emotional issues, he needs to “man up” and get this resolved before America starts to look like it’s run by a bunch of sissies. Perhaps an on-off spigot attached to each eye will do it.
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